I had actually planned on pursuing my further studies after finding myself with no ‘job’; doing several volunteering work one of which was the APEC 2009 in little red dot…. and ever since then my word has seem to be spiraling downwards, upwards, sideways and every way…. I found myself less time with my family and friends; not been around places like Facebook, Twitter, much to the dismal of my ‘new-found’ friends and they ‘threatening’ to ‘disown’ me if I don’t appear soon .  But I don’t have the luxury of time as I used to have  - to be able to sit at my white Big Elephant (as I called my iMac) and cyber with friends…or even time to post comments on Lisa’s blog.

I think I have taken too much on my plate and I now have to re-think what should I do in this new year.  Firstly, my studies are now on ‘hold’ again…. I am now building a business or rather setting up a business with some friends to which the company is growing…we are working 12 hours every day…. and I was volunteering @ a hospic for cancer patients for the early part of December but to which I now have to stopped.  My new business with friends are taking its toil on my ‘time’ and we aim to be branched out by 1st quarter of 2010 if not, it be the third quarter as it is still in its development stage.

For now, I can’t share much what the business is but I can safely say it is based on my own ‘talents’ and my forte which is sales and marketing.  However, the business does not give me the pleasure of having a laptop on hand to surf personal time…. unfortunately, my friend is a stickler for such issues…. so hence I cant surf during day time….only thru my trusty nokie when I have the time ….

Well, this is a short entry at least for those who are happening to come by and read my blog…perhaps my friends can ‘forgive’ me for my absence ….

In the meantime, I wish all and everyone a HAPPY & HEALTHY & PROSPEROUS 2010

BB, BG, BSmiling Always

MF

In the meantime, I am hoping to catch a glimpse or even able to say hello to a certain President that will be making his first visit to this ‘little red dot’…

“If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress”

Barack Obama

BB, BG, BSmiling Always

…although I must admit that it does not hold any special significance to me personally as in my country, its not a big thing here.  Yes, the kids (some of them anyway) will dress up in costumes and go tricks or treats and for the ‘grown-up’ kids – its another excuse to get together and booze themselves silly!  Ok – it’s fun to get silly once in awhile…

I have never worn any Halloween costumes – I think my true self is already ‘scary’ enough to shoo the ‘spooks’ away from me – lol; I am kidding.  I have my fair share of hitting the town and painting it red.  But these days, I much prefer to spend time at home and chilling with a good red (wine that is).

So, I have been asked by some friends – why I have not been blogging lately – well, the fact that last week was a disaster for me – my body, being invaded by the nasty viral germs..erm, if anyone have found ‘weapons of mass destructions’ for viral germs, please let me know for I would definitely love to blast them away.  Never knew, I could be sick when I don’t think sick (so, you know what they say – never say, never).

I have not been inspired to blog – guess lack of T.L.C or rather lack of thoughts at the moment.  But since today, is the last day of October and being Halloween, perhaps I share a ‘ghostly’ experience I had some years back.

In Chinese tradition, the fifteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is called Ghost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from the lower realm. During the Qingming Festival the living descendants pay homage to their ancestors and on Ghost Day, the deceased visit the living (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungry_Ghost_Festival).

I have always been wary of this month as the roads of ’little red’ dot’ will be littered with ritualistic food offerings, burning incense etc.  My mum have always told me not to step on these food offerings or burning stuff and not to say things that might invoke the wrath of the ghosts.   Now, I won’t deny that I have always been afraid of the dark/ghosts and I remembered when I watch the movie “exorcist’ (the one where Linda Blair turn her head 360 degrees)…wooo, I slept in my parents’ room for months – hahaha (yes I was an adult then – but I can be scared right – I mean it was the most scariest movie I seen).  Of course, it was not after many years later, I realized that its just clever cinematography, make-up etc. and I became a fan of horror movies (well, some anyway).

So back to my ghostly encounter… I was watching a scary movie during the seventh month and of course, I was making fun of the show and never thought about it.  Well, that night strange things happened!  Somewhere in the middle of the night; I felt that I couldn’t breathe, felt ‘someone’ or ‘something’  was suppressing me.  I tried to scream and could not.  In any case, I felt panic and in my mind, I screamed ‘Jesus’ and the feeling just went away.

I woke up sweating and my room is dark…now at that time, I was wearing glasses and I was totally blind as a bat – that was at least some consolation as I then could not see any ‘ghosts’.  I thought I had probably had a nightmare and after saying a short prayer (don’t laugh – but hey, I believe in the power of prayers and the Lord’s protection), I went back to bed.  Thankfully, I slept right through til the next morning.

But several nights during that seventh month, I have the same strange feelings of something or someone choking me and I could not breathe.  I even had my bible out next to my bed and through my hazy eyes, I felt the bible flew across the room, my pillows and blankets were all over the place.  I told my mum of the strange incidents and she said I must have ‘offended’ some ghosts.  At that time, I guess my faith was not strong enough so I asked some of my close Christian friends to come and exorcise my room of the ‘evil’ spirits.  So they came and sprinkled some holy water and said some prayers.  Now, mind you, I would have never go to this extreme as I am never afraid – but I think I was more afraid of losing my ‘beauty sleep’ rather than anything else.  I can’t keep waking up feeling being choked.

So, that night, the same thing happened again (even though my room have been blessed) – strangely towards the early hours, I could hear ‘voices’ that whispers – come on, let’s take her away now…she is ready or some gibberish mumbo-jumbo. I was so pissed off, that finally I told these ghostly visitors that either they can take me away or leave me alone.

Well, I guess they took my advice – they left me alone…..guess one just has to be firm with these ghostly creatures and what they say is true..they are more afraid of humans than us humans are afraid of them.

So…in true spirit….Happy Halloween again !!!! Beware of the dark……and be careful not to say the wrong things….

Ps:  this is a true account….;)

BB, BG, BSmiling Always

]]> http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/today-is/feed/ 1 Mystifleur HalloweenTxt1 Trick_or_Treat http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/nasti-nasti/ http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/nasti-nasti/#comments Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:58:04 +0000 mystifleur http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/?p=152 ]]> Viral infections….

I have been in a ‘zombie-like’ state since Sunday – why…coz my body finally succumbed to the flu-like symptoms.  Ok, I don’t do sickness; I hate sickness…(well, I guess no one likes to be sick) and on the rare occasions when I do have the flu – I do go and see the doctor and get the medicines etc.  So,I do have one bad habit, I keep these medicines for like over a year or so…yes,that is how rare I would fall sick and if I have an inkling that I am coming down with a cold/cough, I just take these ‘left-over’ medicines.

That’s what I did, I just took those antibiotics; cold meds and never give it a thought…thinking I go off to bed and would feel much better the next day.  Oh, oh, it did not! Monday woke up with very bad throat – almost like ‘sandpaper’ rubbing together every time I swallow – felt like my ‘throat’ is a volcano burning with all its mite waiting to explode anytime!  Sneezing away non-stop and felt my head  full of cobwebs – unable to think straight!

Now I have a drawer full of meds – all kinds of meds that I kept over time and I knew somewhere in those drawers, would have a more powerful antibiotics that will kill the nasti nasti germs in my body…so away again I down them and snuggle under my blanket.  It din’t work..as the day goes by, I felt terrible, really terrible, feverish and just lifeless.  I even took all kinds of tea, camomile, green tea anything to soothe my burning body…I even took this chinese tea that is supposedly to dispel the fever from the body….nothing works.

Finally, I have no choice but to go and see the doctor…coz I knew by then, it was serious!  Usually with the ‘left-over’ meds, it would work immediately or so, and I will get well…so off to the doctor I went yesterday …  and you know how you go and see the doctor and he always asked this perennial question, ‘so how are you today?” .  Duh, I replied, well, if I am well, I won’t be here doc….(kinda of understood right – who in the right mind would want to go and see the doctor if you are well!).  I was kinda of like slumping over the table edge feeling feverish and all, and all he wants to do is to ask silly questions like that…ok, he is just being polite – I understand.  But seriously, docs should have more witty or comforting words to say to their sick patients.

So the usual check-up; said I had a bad case of tonsillitis – my throat looks like a furnace and I said- ya, I felt that I got to keep feeding ‘coals’ to keep it burning.  At the same time, I had red blotches on my face and hands and so he asked me this question – have I taken any meds or am I allergic to anything.  I , erm, shifted in my seat uncomfortably and sheepishly said, ya, I did. Told him that I am one person that self-medicate if I felt that I just have a simple flu. Boy, bad mistake…coz he went on and on about taking left-over meds and the harm it would do etc etc…(as if I din’t know that) but let’s face it…if I had gone to see him, he probably would give me the same meds that I have in my drawer – so why spent that kind of money (did I say that I am also frugal).

Well,this time, my self-medication did not help and in fact, do more harm than anything.  Apparently, my body has been ‘nesting’ a blog of viral germs over the past few months and I all did was just to suppress them – not giving them the opportunity to ‘burst’ out of their nests.  Needless to say, not only I got an earful from the doc  and a huge injection on my erm, butt which I ‘ow’ very loudly…yes, I don’t do injections either.  He said, it looks like my symptoms are similar to swine flu – I looked at him blankly and stared and said huh, swine flu….the only flu I have is ‘wine flu’ not swine flu (my feeble attempt of a joke).

Now to me, I never gave it a thought about the ‘swine flu’ – ya I read about it and how serious it is…but to think that I may be ‘incubating’ little ‘swines’ in my body gives me the jibblies… and seriously, I felt a sense of nervousness – gosh I know that I may have to be ‘quarantined’ if I have it.  And my first thought was…oh, oh, no computer; second thing; no Lisa or Shamim’s blog; third thing…can’t get in touch with my new friends over cyberspace or even skyping them (altho I wonder if the hospital would allow me to sneak in my trusty nokie).

Thank goodness, after a serious of blood tests etc and long hours at the clinic…the good ole doc said – nope, I don’t have the ‘swines’ but I do have a serious case of viral infections that have been accumulated over the past few months and its now coming out. So I was sent home with ‘new’ meds with a stern instructions that I should finish them as told and not to keep them!  I nodded my head, promised (with fingers crossed) and said I finish them completely (lol – I doubt it anyway).  So at the end of the visit, he said, ok go home and rest and I said, that’s what I have been doing – RIB but I lack TLC …. erm, he din’t understand the joke…and no going anywhere for the next few days …I am to stay at home for fear of spreading my viral infections to others…funny, what about my family??

So, I am now ‘home-bound’ for the next few days … and will attempt to finish the meds and not keep them.  On hindsight, those meds I had were rather ‘old’ and I shouldn’t have taken them.  But then I am a stubborn person when coming to sickness coz I just hate being sick; I hate being fussed about. I am good at taking care of people when they are sick but I give a certain lack of attention to self – its not that I don’t care about myself – its just that I feel that sickness = weakness and I have always been the strong and invincible type (think Xena- the Warrior Princess – hahaha).

Well, this morning I woke up feeling much better – still weak but at least my head is not pounding and less fuzzy; my throat does not feel its like a volcano waiting to erupt.  I will R.I.B. but erm, who is gonna give me T.L.C.  - maybe these angels will give me some …

BB, BG, BSmiling Always

ps:  lesson learned … don’t take leftover meds and go see a doctor if one is not feeling well – don’t self-medicate …..

Rainer Maria Rilke

I love this quote because it is a reminder to self to embrace my life and to know that any journey one takes has to start within.

So yesterday was my official last day with the company and  I am serving my notice by clearing my 3 weeks leave (the company did not accept my offer to encased them – erm, that would come in handy if the company agreed to pay me for my 3 weeks leave).

Strange, that after working for so many years, I suddenly feel a sense of emptiness within me.  I realized that I don’t have to wake up early next week, don’t have to plan my week, appointments to see, or meetings to hold etc.

Ok, its not that I have not change jobs before and have some time to myself before I start a new job.  But this is different.  Usually, I either would have a job offer or would have a new one in place before I leave the present one, but this time, I just decided to leave without a thought to it.

I guess, I know what my next journey would be – to be a student – lol.   So the last few days, I have been researching, surfing, searching trying to find an ideal school/university that would accept me without any formal or prior academic qualifications.  It seems that before you could apply for a place in these schools, you either need a diploma or even a degree as a pre-requisite.  So it was kinda of ‘struggle’ trying to make sense of the different universities or schools/colleges requirements.  Let’s hope all that will turn out to be fruitful – otherwise I have to relook at other options.

It is a relief to feel that I can do something else other than just work. In the past, I would have press the ‘self-installed panic button’ inside me and said, oh dear, I must get a job as there are too many commitments on my plate.  Like I said, I am tired, tired of working for ‘commitments’ and not enjoying the fruits of my hard work.  Although, I do admit I get ‘high’ on working – I would describe myself as a self-narcissistic person.  True, that studying is also working (in some form) but I am not sure if I would enjoy it as much as I would if I managing a department.

In a way, I am apprehensive of this next journey but it will be a challenge and I love challenges.

Hence, I am calling this blog ‘mashed potatoes’/or Caesar salad because today’s blog is mashed up and tossed with different ‘ingredients’ and a huge dollop of butter and fresh milk.  Besides these   are one of my favorite food…I know what a combination…one not so healthy and the other so healthy, so one can imagine what my size is like

I have the pleasure  of meeting  several ‘new’ friends, during these past two months through Lisa Ray’s blog; Shamim Sarif’s Facebook and of course, we do our ‘tai-ji” of finding out about each other. Inevitably, the question of ‘age’ (what is this fixation on age) arises through these ‘stimulating’ conversations.   Well, my only answer is that I am ‘ageless’ – an infinity number and right now, I like to keep it as that (for the moment).

Why do I say that, well, in the past, whenever I reveal my age…there is always this ‘spectacular’ expressions on  faces that I wonder even whether I am of that ‘age’  – either I have this inane ability to look either immature or too mature – sigh… so I give up! When I tell people the truth about my age – they will either say ‘tssk – you look…. Or wow…you…..’ – so I never know what is their ‘true meaning’ of their exclamations !!  I know my age, I know I don’t look my age unless I am ‘misguided’ to ‘misbehave’ that is not acceptable to my age (or rather be dignified).  Someone just commented to me that ‘I am very mushy’ – ewwwww…. I am never mushy, ewwww, I can’t stand mushiness … it gets on my nerves… whenever I meet gals who goes mushy on me – I run even faster than Usain Bolt!! I am outta of the place as fast as I could!  Don’t get me wrong, I love compliments (who in her right mind don’t love compliments – but mushiness..arrh that is something that I can’t take it).

Having said that, I guess that some of the ‘creative’ comments which I have made in SS &LR does tended to sound ‘mush’ – erm, I shall have to stop then….and maybe come out with ‘mashed’ comments instead.

So what was the cause of my ‘blank cyber-canvas’ – I guess the recent event of me ‘throwing’ in the towel (at my job); trying to figure out what I want to do next; where do I go and of course, the recent events of earthquakes that affected the surrounding countries nearby…thousands of people have lost their homes; thousands have lost their lives.  And yet, at the other spectrum of the world, namely in the Middle East, Afghanistan – there is always the tensions of war breaking; terrorism; global recessions (although I highly suspect that the world government bodies are trying to ra-ra the world to think positive and that we are out of the recession –  I always maintained that this is a world conspiracy – hahaha)

I, for one, was never interested in world politics or what is happening within my country … I always felt that politics and religion over dinner table are the two ‘dirtiest’ topics to bring across.  But you can’t help not seeing that the world is changing;   world power is shifting and one wonders then where the world is going to be say in 50/100 years from now (obviously I won’t be around to see it – unless I am reincarnated).   I think I even read somewhere that ice @north pole will be melting in 30/40 years time (can’t remember this correctly) but vaguely remember coming across this headline.

So to me, having just post a pre-blog about life…I feel that I need to go back to my ‘shangri-la’ and mediate for awhile and perhaps even sit under a ‘bodhi’ tree somewhere to get enlightened! I know that I, alone cannot ‘cure’ the world of its sickness but I can try to make it a better place for me/my loved ones to live in at least until I am called ‘home’.

One of the ideas I have, is to go back to school … yup, that is my current state of ‘desire’ – to learn new things. I want to pick the academic ‘brains’ of the professors and see what they are going to teach me which I have not learnt whilst working as a street-smart ‘kid’ … I want to then, return back to the society what I have learned and contribute in anyway I can.  This is what I intend to do (for now anyway).

The last time, I attempted to complete my studies (yeah somewhere in between my jobs – I was also doing a series of management courses) but unfortunately, I got side-tracked by ‘falling’ in love.  I guess love does make one do silly things.  Anyway, since I don’t have to worry about climbing up the corporate ladder anymore and no affairs of heart to distract me, I have a good feeling that I will be able to complete my studies.  It will take about 3 years (I think) before I get my degree or longer, since my brains are rusty from academic infusions.  Give me sales targets, budget planning, forecasts, business plans – my brains are awake or rather I become alive.

I imagine that I could be the ‘oldest’ student amongst the young early 20s and lol, if they start calling me ‘aunty’ I so will slap their heads.  Apparently, I have been told that anyone over 30 is considered an aunty in the context of university language – oh dear, maybe they can call me Obi-wan or Yoda (I so must get me one of those laser then).  Whatever, I shall do my best to ‘fit’ in and be ‘hip’ … I wonder how difficult is to learn hip-hop.  One thing for sure, going back to school now would definitely be different then it had been say, 10/20 years ago as this is the age of technology (thank goodness I am quite a techie-person, so I would not seem like a nerd).  I only have one problem right now…I am not sure what I want to study – lol…. I just want to study (do I make sense – I guess not).  Just kidding, cyber-diary, I do have an idea of what I would like to pursue – I just need to see if I qualify for the program.

Whew, at least I have one idea of what I can do once I leave my job….let’s see whether it holds.

]]> http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/%e2%80%98mashed-potatoes%e2%80%99-or-better-still-%e2%80%98caesar-salad%e2%80%99-%e2%80%93-sort-of-%e2%80%a6/feed/ 1 Mystifleur http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/a-candle-loses-nothing-by-lighting-another-candle/ http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/a-candle-loses-nothing-by-lighting-another-candle/#comments Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:00:53 +0000 mystifleur http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/?p=137 ]]> So this story was shared by a good friend …. ok, this is not my blog but it is definitely a beautiful story to remind us not to take our lives, our loved ones for granted….read on….

So shared that spark…spread it around and remember…to love yourself first before trying to love others….  

To love what is life,

To hold it against your bones knowing that your life depends on it

And when the time comes to let it go,

Let it go”

I have been ‘bumping’ around this week since I resigned from my job, well, not really ‘bumping’ although if I were living near the ocean, I probably would become a beach bum since I am one who loves the sun, the sea & erm, oh well…censored.

By ‘bumping’ around, I meant I am not sure where I am at this moment…hence the above is a gentle reminder to self that I must learn to let go. I am at the crossroads where there are several paths to take but I don’t know which one.  For the first time, in my life, since I started working at a tender age of 17 (there should be laws – not to let anyone below 21 to work but at least have sufficient academically knowledge to prepare one for the uncertainty in the future) – I am not sure what I want to do now.  So what I am going to do is perhaps to reminisce my early years (if I may)….

Not by choice, I have to work at that early stage as I needed to help my family financially and of course, my brother who is destined for a great future.  I don’t begrudge my mum for not letting me furthering my studies, since I myself is not academically inclined – I love school, just hate the exams and Chinese language which was at my time, very important to move to college or high school whatever they call it.  I admit, I am ‘playful’ but I have been told by my teachers (numerous times) that I am smart , but too smart for my own ‘pants’ (had no idea what my teachers were saying as I was wearing skirts – not pants in school).

All I knew @17 that yeah, its freedom from school and exams and I can earn my own money and get my own things that I wanted (not needed) – so with no natural talents except an extraordinary one for the ‘gift of the gap’ and a ‘bold’ attitude – I hit the sales trail starting at a clothes retail shop and realised  that I do have the forte for sales as I achieved more sales than any of the salespeople in the shop and my lady boss (I remembered) she said, erm, you good, one day you be a very outstanding salesperson.  Well, I don’t know about that, being 17, I had no idea what I want to do and not having any other qualifications – that was the only job I could have.  I do know I have the passion for sales but I did not like the long hours and besides, I had the sense to think that I should get at least some paper qualifications – so I was working in the daytime, and doing my “A” levels as a private student.

Obviously, it didn’t work for me as I couldn’t juggle working long hours in retail and studying, plus having to do loads of housework, cooking, cleaning etc etc…(my mum has her own ‘full-time job by  getting together with 3 others to play a game of ‘mahjong’ almost every day).  Then, someone said to me, erm you should instead of furthering your studies, maybe take up secretarial studies (lol -these days there are no more secretaries – more of PAs).  Even my mum thought it was a good idea since she was told secretaries could make loads of money (not so true). So off I go, to take up secretarial studies  - which I remember learning to type and shorthand.  Typing – am that good – I was told I am one of the fastest typist in the school – can’t remember what was my speed but I do know that I type faster than I think!  But shorthand, arrrh, I hated it…golly who the heck invented this so-called shorthand – I took this subject 13 times, yes, 13 times and I still failed it! Eventually, I realised well, if some wise guy can invent such gibberish, I too should invent one for myself that only I can understand -to which till this day, I have no idea what it is but yes, only I can understand my own shorthand!

Well, I did sort of move on from sales to an office job – not as a secretary but as a ‘girl Friday’ or another word for stenographer (oh, these out-dated words) and I remembered going into that interview in my most sloppy jeans, with flip-flops and big geeky looking glasses and I put out my hand to this short,but very jovial looking Caucasian guy and said, hi – my name is _____ and I am 18 and I want this job.  He bursted laughing and told the other lady in the office, that I got spunk and I was hired!  Geez, how I wish that these days, job interviews would be like this – so honest, so simple and no room full of high and mighty HR people interrogating you with senseless questions!

Anyway, suffice to say, I stick onto to this job because it allows me to travel (a lot as well) as part of the business – it was a representative office. During those years, I literally bloomed from an ‘ugly duckling’ to a ‘swan’ – well, not really a swan, swan but my the other colleague, bless her, she told me that she was going to give me a make-over.  You see, apart from my extraordinary talent of  being able to talk anything under the sun, I am also an extremely self-conscious of myself in the ‘looks’ department. I was more of a ‘tomboy’ rather than a girl and I really have no dress sense.  My wardrobe consists of 2 dresses and the rests were jeans/t-shirts and of course this pair of huge giant pair of geeky glasses with hair that touches my ass…(lol).  Now, at that time, the revolution of  contact lens were creeping to the market so the first thing my colleague did was to bring me to get my first pair of contacts.  Remembering how I used to be afraid of ‘poking’ my eyes whenever I put these on, still gives me the shivers but it definitely did wonders for my self-esteem.  Suddenly without the geeky glasses, I don’t look so bad….then the ‘make-up’ classes, fashion dress sense and shoes with heels – ewww, I hated those… I told her, hello, me so fat, how to walk with those things that they call ‘stilettos’ you gotta to be kidding.  Actually, it’s not true I was fat at that time, frumpy – maybe but not fat’.

But she was a determined one, that she is, she literally make me wear my heels and skirts/dresses, make-up, etc the whole works and suddenly, I blossomed – even my family, friends and relatives saw the ‘ugly’ one turn into a ‘swan’ and everybody thought I still have hope to ‘hook’ a guy and settle down.  Lol, well, in a sense it gave me my self-confidence and the whole world looks like different because I felt different, I was different.  Suddenly, my date cards became full as part of my job was also going for functions, hosting functions, a lot of events (not bad for a girl friday) and I had loads of guys calling on me…but  sad to say, I never did go beyond the one/two dates with guys (quite similar to Leyla in ICTS).  Although, I would admit that there was one period of time, I fell hard for a certain guy which maybe someday I shall put it down somewhere in this blog and the backstory of it.

During the time I was working with the first company, I soon picked up a lot of ‘listening’ skills, the art of communication and the confidence of how to approach top-level management as my boss moves in high society – so what I did not learn in school, I learn on the job – I became quite a conversationalist, read everything from politics to world economies and well, could hold myself high up in any high society functions/events that people keep asking me where I graduated from and what did I major in!  The snobs!

Obviously, I moved on to several other jobs as I was by then, became very ambitious and also knew that I could not sit still in one career… I wanted more, I needed more to expand my horizons…I went into the financial industry i.e. banking and this is the turning point in my life…what I have learnt in my first job, was like being an intern but working in the financial industry – it was a totally different ball game.  I was fortunate that I had good bosses who saw the ‘potential’ in me, encourage me to take on management courses, had fast promotions and given huge responsibilities – all this for someone who failed her ‘O’ Level and had to re-sit it again.

In every jobs I have held, I have become a force to reckon with in the industry, what I lack academically, I make it up for my no-nonsense, street-smart – walk-the-talk attitude; I earned the respect from my peers in the industry with my straight talk, integrity and total commitment to my jobs/companies but sadly to say, that when the  financial crisis came, I was one of the first to be retrenched from my job, not because I could not do my job, but because I was the highest paid executive with zero academic qualifications (the management courses don’t count apparently).  Anyway, I was not unhappy about it as I felt ‘burnt-out’ from the stress of the job and felt that it was high time I moved on to something new.

I did not stay unemployed for long and the next job was another regional role that takes me out of the country 9 months of the year…I always thought I should have my own jet with all that traveling.   Anyway, with all the years of regional roles, worldwide responsibilities both in sales and management, I just worked – that’s all I ever did … I did have a great time moving up the corporate ladder – power dressing gal but personally, it affected my personal life.  I did not have time think of family, relationships (although I would readily admit I ain’t no saint either) but I did not feel the need to commit anything (close but never taken the last final step).

I love work, I thrive on work, I breathe work…I am a self-professed workaholic and I now do not use the word ‘mulit-tasker’ on myself – I am a ‘uni-tasker’ (universal tasker) taking on more than I should.  So, which brings me to today’s blog…Let it Go…what?

What am I letting go? My self-professed workaholism and the need to take charge… can I just take 5 steps backwards and learn to relax and not think what the future holds for me (I think the universe can still take some more of me – hahahaha).  So this week, have been a ‘bumping’ week for me…I took two days off with no sense of urgency to look for another job! For the first time, I have not push the ‘panic’ button in my brain to say, hey wake up lazy gal, go browse the jobs section of the classifieds and send in your resumes.

I reflected that all these years I worked because I need to; I need to conform to norm that one must work otherwise one will starved or for survival and of course, for my family.  I worked not because of myself – in looking all the past jobs I have held, it was jobs too big for my shoes (I shouldn’t be in those positions) I shouldn’t be that ambitious wanting to earn as much money as I could – because it comes with a price to pay, a deadly price indeed.  I worked not for myself and I am tired, very tired of going through the same process again.

I know I need to find a job, soon, especially where I am going to compete with so many academically qualified youngsters and these days, experiences doesn’t count in resume. Its what paper qualifications you have that will get you that job.  No such thing as job security or loyalty.  But I am ‘bumping’ coz for the life of me, I don’t know what I want to do !!!!

I know I need to find a job coz of the commitments I have; but do I want find one that will probably takes me on the same journey as I had in the past; monetary satisfaction but not personal satisfaction.  I don’t think so.  Can I find a job that can gives me both monetary and personal satisfaction – again, I doubt so, unless I start my own business which of course, will need loads of capital.  So, can I let go of that inner ‘take-charge’ attitude that I have for over the past few decades and go and conquer the world (again)…I cannot, I think, coz I am tired… of doing everything for others but not for me.

So, maybe I still ‘bump’ around for the next few weeks until my head is cleared of all the ‘cobwebs’ swelling inside. I may have a clearer picture by then (I hope).

BB, BG, BStrong, BSmiling Always…(this is my motto now for good).

looking for my pot of gold????

Not only it is the day that I got the ‘boot’ from my job (which I realised I don’t really feel sad about) but also Lisa Ray posted her new blog in two weeks and I felt it was the most heartwarming and heart wrenching blog I ever read from her  (http://lisaraniray.wordpress.com/).  So this morning as I was on my way to work, I heard the usual tweet that someone tweeted – saw it was from Lisa saying that she had finally given birth to her latest blog.  Tried to read it on my nokie e71, now if anyone knows this nokie e71, its not a very big screen so reading it was difficult but I sort of scroll down quickly to get the gist of it.  Two things  that made me had tears in my eyes “I miss my Mum”  and  I could feel the ‘pain’ that she is going through and staying still being the convert A type that she is.  But I know Lisa will get well, she is a fighter which brings me to my sad case of now being one of the millions that has no job.

So halfway through the morning, I had a vibe something was wrong with my management and when the manager asked to see a fellow colleague on the same rank – now I have been in management before and worked for yearns to feel what is going on.  Call it a woman’s  intuition – and for the manager to do that, that is downright rude. You never tell a junior that you are going to ‘sack’ the senior but hey its ok.  I had been expecting it – not because I am no good at my job (in fact, I consider myself as one of the best salesperson – having been in this role for 2 decades or more) but the business model was totally wrong and trying to break into a new market expecting it to make a profit within one year in a competitive country like the ‘little red dot’ it ain’t going to cut it.

However, instead of them giving the ‘boot’ letter,I turn it around and gave them the “boot” instead i.e. I hand in my resignation letter.  No way, would I give any company the pleasure of giving me the pink letter…in all my entire working life…it’s I who usually ‘boot’ the company and not the other way round….of course, it did happen once, and that was during the 1997 financial crisis when like so many thousands, were let go of their jobs but it was good because I had benefits.  The management, was needlessly to say, ‘shocked’ by my actions and I told them, hey you not dealing with a young naive gal, you forgot that I am much more experienced in management than you guys and that the only reasons why the business is bad is because of poor mismanagement and poor guidance.

I am glad to go coz the past few months have taken a toil on my stress level (which I don’t need) – obviously I do need a job – who doesn’t ! Even for the sake of basics living standards – lol …so next week I shall start looking at options – I have several but I will take my time to choose a job that maybe would not involve sales anymore…. sales is a number game and it is no longer based on relationships, integrity which I grew up with and learning from my mentors.

Ok I just wanted to ‘verbalised’ it on my blog to remind me of 13 Oct 2009 and to note that this is the day, I will go through another metamorphosis change….its late (its 2.12am here) – I need my sleep

BB, BG, BSmiling Always

]]> http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/13/metamorphosis/feed/ 1 Mystifleur http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/kindness-a-word-that-is-often-misused-or-abused/ http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/kindness-a-word-that-is-often-misused-or-abused/#comments Sun, 11 Oct 2009 10:40:32 +0000 mystifleur http://mystifleur.wordpress.com/?p=118 ]]> how many of us really understand this word and what it means to be kind.  A quote from:-

Dalai Lama –  ”Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

According to Wikie – Kindness is the act or the state of being kind and marked by charitable behaviour, marked by mild disposition, pleasantness, tenderness and concern for others

So my question – what does Kindness mean to each one of us.  Today I am going to blog about this word because over the past week, I have seen some ‘ugly behavior’ by certain fans @ Lisa Ray ‘s Blog making unkind and rather egotistical remarks.  Even though, I am an ardent fan of Lisa, because she is a celebrity, I am a fan because she cares, she has  kindness, compassion, regardless of her having the rare Multiple Myeloma Cancer.

She wanted to do something different, to blog about her personal crisis, not to gain publicity nor fame nor recognition for herself but to get the awareness across of this unknown and rare form of cancer or for that matter, any type of cancer or illness – to continue the works of researchers to find a cure for MMC, to gain support.  Now, she  probably knew that her career could be at risk as soon as  she comes out with the news, not many movie offers??  Perhaps the movie directors/producers would not want to take on such liability – it is a matter of investment?  Not sure, but at one point, she did twit/blog to say her insurance company refused her insurance – what kind of rubbish is this…. that is one of the reasons, I never like insurance although I know it is a necessity.  But insurances companies are here to make business and make their investors happy so I am not going to talk about the ethics of these insurance companies.

So back to ‘kindness’ … when Lisa ‘opened’ herself to blog,  she also knows that there be thousands of fans rallying to her blog to make comments and give all sorts of advices, some rather humorous, ridiculous and some even condescending and spiritual.  I, for one, would read these comments with a sieve, i.e. those that are worthy of my attention, I do – those that are rather adulations of love, admirations etc – I skipped coz its their prerogative to write anything they want.  She probably never knew to what extent the fans would go for her – erm, I speak of myself – lol, guilty as charged but then I am not the stalking kind so she has no need to worry about me.

What I do not like, is that some fans took it upon themselves to tell other fans off with their unkind and rather snide remarks, yet at  the same time profess their love and respect for Lisa… the thing here is that no matter – no one should have any right to tell others off except for Lisa.  No one should be unkind to make such rude remarks as well – its rather insensitive.  Fans of Lisa are being kind and compassionate and perhaps even too passionate in declaring their love, support, encouragement for her.  I am guilty of that but than I am not one to go on and on about my love and concern for her.  I rather write to her as if she is (I hope she knows this) a close friend whom I care very much about and I would tell her stuff that perhaps hope will give her some distraction from her chemo treatments or even when she is feeling down.  Now, I know she is one that is surrounded by her family, loved ones and probably have very good friends by her side but hey, I like to think I am one of the many ‘dots’ in this world that link us together to her.

Kindness should be sown everywhere – like Smiles… it makes the world a better place to live.   So I leave today’s blog with another quote…

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.
Annie Lennox

BB, BG, BSmiling Always